I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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