I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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