You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I wear drunk well.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
