Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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