i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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