I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
