he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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