I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
