He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
