Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
