and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
