If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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