should my penis look like a turkey
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
