Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
