Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
