I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
