I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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