This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
