When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
