i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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