So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
