we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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