oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
