Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
