Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
