I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
