When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
