i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
