I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
