Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
