I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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