I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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