why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
