If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
