he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
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I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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