He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
