that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
