Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
honey bunches of taint.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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