somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
i think we sleep fucked last night...
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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