Need sex. Gaining weight.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
