Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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