So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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