Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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