WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
