Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
