just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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