i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
