Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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