Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
