It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
