WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
