he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
