I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
