Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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