I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
