if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
