Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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